I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize