PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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