I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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