It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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