Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Houston, we have a squirter
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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