hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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