Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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