meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
