remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
