Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
