Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
they call him Oral-B. enough said
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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