It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
