New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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