Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
