I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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