I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My ATM looks so different sober.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
