Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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