Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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