i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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