Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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