Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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