I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
