That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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