I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
