I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
