I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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