I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You smell like stripper and shame
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
