her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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