I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
