South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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