A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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