My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
