The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize