you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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