2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
