he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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