My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
