just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
