I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
