Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
