The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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