im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
