really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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