After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
