Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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