Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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