so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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