Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
