i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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