Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
