If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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