So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
