i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
