Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
